


Once More With Cheesemongers

by orphan_account



Category: Discworld - Pratchett
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon LGBTQ Female Character, Canon LGBTQ Male Character, Canon Lesbian Character, Crossdressing, Filk, Gen, Musical, Religion, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-20
Updated: 2007-01-20
Packaged: 2017-10-09 03:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/82531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A re-telling of <i>Monstrous Regiment</i> in 'Once More With Feeling' filks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once More With Cheesemongers

_Answer All My Questions_

(Polly:) Every single day, the same arrangement, I go out and wash the loos  
Yet lately I have thought of bold investment, I've got a lot to gain, just as much to lose  
I've been watching boys as they make noise, now I must make a choice  
That might answer all my questions -  
Dressing up this fall  
And going out to find my brother Paul

I was always good and obeyed my parents, now I'm gonna misbehave  
You might think I should just let someone else be the one to save--  
(Soldier:) I beg, a decent grave (dies)  
(Polly:) Perhaps I should just cave  
(Boys:) She is watching us these days and thus we think we have a chance  
(Polly:) But this might answer all my questions (Boys: Answer all our questions)  
Following the drum  
(Boy:) Hey can I buy a great big glass of - rum? (the other boys cheer)

(Polly:) Could I bring my brother back? Get away with just a smack?  
(Boy:) What time are you off? (Polly:) You stay back! I just wanna be  
Safe with all my questions  
Answered perfectly  
My captured brother saved, and I once more a maid  
I'm following the drum  
You'll see!

*

  
_I'm In the Army_

(Polly:) I'm in the army, I'm Ozzer Perks now, I'm a guy, yes, nothing odd to see here  
(Tonker:) I'm in the army, I'm Tonker Halter, and I'm a tougher sod so Zlobs had better learn fear  
(Shufti:) I'm in the army, I must learn to cuss  
(All recruits:) We enlisted, hope that this is not the end of us

(Wazzer:) We must pray now, pray for solace, but not much solace cause the Good Book says we must have sorrow to be tempered, better people, and not too vain cause that would be a sin.  
I'm in the army, for the Duchess  
(uncomfortable silence)  
(Jade:) I'm in the...  
(Wazzer:) If the Duchess wants our lives then we'll be happy to die so  
There will be peace and plenty and best yet, we will know  
That ours has been a sacrifice that will live on in the lives of our people!  
Duchess, Duchess we do it for the Duchess!

(Maladict:) Or maybe horsebread.

(Lofty:) I'm in the army, think I'm kinda stuck  
(All:) We're in the army, now we know that we are out of luck

(Polly:) I'm in the army, got my reasons  
Why think about a sad tomorrow?  
Why dwell on misery and sorrow?  
We'll sleep tonight on good dry hay  
Eat well tonight, or at least okay  
(All:) Why think about a sad tomorrow?  
Why should we dwell on future sorrow?  
We'll eat tonight, we'll sleep tonight  
(Polly:) It's not like we  
Can whine all night

(All:) Why think about a sad tomorrow? (Shufti: Why think about)  
Why dwell on misery and sorrow? (Shufti: A sad tomorrow)  
We'll face it when we're there  
(Wazzer:) For the Duchess

*

_I Have Heard My Call_

(Wazzer:)  
I lived my life in shadow  
Never the sun on my face  
I was so poor and so low  
They told me this was my place  
Now I'm bathed in light  
I've never felt so right  
I have heard my call  
Duchess, this is true:  
I will give my life to you  
I'm happy as can be  
Here in your army  
Never felt so bold and free

You smiled at me until I  
Finally looked up and saw  
And now in your arms I lie  
Your love fills me with awe  
I was lost, I'm found  
To you now I am bound  
I have heard my call  
Nothing I won't do  
I commend my soul to you  
Into your arms I'll fall  
Flying joyfully  
Defy all odds to be with you  
You made me believe

There's no way to hide  
I can feel you inside  
I have heard my call  
You have my loyalty  
I bow to you so willingly  
Summer spring and fall  
You will comfort me  
Winter might yet break me free  
And bring my reprieve  
You make me complete  
You make me believe  
You made me --

*

_I Know Best_

(Blouse:) This is the plan: see that man with the light-clacks?  
He's the one that we'll need  
But just for now we lay down, won't attack  
Till he's done with this deed  
Patience I command  
Lay still and stay your anxious hand  
You'll come to see it yet - I know this best

(Jackrum:) You're just a fool you're the government's tool untried in our ways  
You have the rank but I think that the frank experience pays  
I've seen so many wars  
While you've been accounting the stores  
You will come to admit - I know this best

(Both:) I know I know best

(B:) He lacks finesse (J:) I really must confess  
I wouldn't trust his assess of an outhouse hole  
(B:) He's obsessed with feces (J:) He doesn't know what war is  
(B:) He simply fails to see that there's a greater whole  
(Both:) You know this will get hairy  
(J:) Blouse, you're only temporary  
(B:) You think you're so damned scary  
(J:) You know you're just a fucking Mary, and I really don't jest  
(Both:) Goddamn I know I know best

(J:) When things get rough he'll just hide behind me, you'll see  
(B:) Now look here, you will see the inside of a cell  
(J:) Oh no, he's angry, he'll rough me up, how scary!  
(B:) And what d'you mean "Mary"? (J:) Oh just wait and I'll tell!  
It's-- (B:) Oh look here, I'm Jackrum! (waddles around and belches)

(J:) (nances about) Ooh dear I cut myself with my swooord!

(Both:) You know (J:) I will get you  
(B:) Discharge you  
(J:) You're the lousiest of ruperts you're the sorriest of losers  
What this squad needs is your quick demise

(B:) He reeks (J:) He reads  
(B:) I'll notice all his bad deeds  
He'll see where it will lead, all this disrespect  
(J:) I made some rules up, never thought he'd catch up  
I never thought the little rat would know to suspect  
I lied, okay, and so what? Defied the law to serve it the best  
(B:) Is he looking to get rid of me?  
(J:) He's gonna get us killed, just wait and see  
(B:) Will the squad become the winner if I make him miss his dinner?  
(J:) Will we even get to Kneck or will he find some way to kill me?  
(B:) Am I clear now? (J:) All the clearer. (B:) Just don't step up any nearer.  
(Both:) You know very well I hate you and I do not jest  
By God I know I know best  
You louse, I know I know best  
(B:) My final word  
(J:) I'll get you yet  
(B:) Fixing you up one of these days  
(Both:) I know this best

*

  
_Give Me My Caffeine_

(Maladict:)  
I quit so many years ago  
Now I lack the thing to make my craving go  
How will I get through this now?  
How can I keep my vow?

I'm scared, afraid of what I feel  
I can tell that Igor knows, know she won't be genteel  
A stake beneath her cloak she stands  
A hammer in her hands

That's great, but I would rather live  
I'm a ten-cup-a-day case, and now I'm down to nil  
Smoking fags, but I know that I'm low on caffeine  
Give me my caffeine

Give me my caffeine, and not too lean  
Let me have a cup or you know that I'll turn kinda mean  
It's bloodshed time if I don't get my midnight black Klatchi'n  
So give me my caffeine

I know I just have to deal  
But I can hear the planes above, and they ain't even real  
I think I'm in a jungle now, got Charlie on my trail  
Gods I need caffeine

The change will begin  
But I hang on with all the strength I've left  
There's a vampire's heart beneath this pin  
Just aim your stake a little left  
I can feel it rising deep within  
My eye teeth are lengthening  
Just please oh please

Get me my caffeine, and not too lean  
Let me have a cup or you know that I'll turn kinda mean  
It's bloodshed time if I don't get my midnight black Klatchi'n  
So give me my caffeine  
Why won't you get me my caffeine

*

_What You Need_

(Doves:) Come, don't run away, don't you like me, boy?  
(Faith:) Why don't you come and play  
I promise I am a nice soft toy  
(Jackrum:) They insisted that their first pay  
Should be well used to buy their first lay  
So what do you say? Entertain us a while?

(Grace:) I'm the hottest thing (Comfort:) I'm the twist and shout  
(Prudence:) When you got the itch, we just let it all hang out  
(Faith:) You call us and we'll come running  
For just your pay you'll get a right good loving  
(Mrs Smother, on seeing the money:) Now we're partying, that's what it's all about

(Grace:) Cause I know what you need boy  
(Comfort:) I know just what you need boy

(Prudence:) All this warfare, it will wear you down  
You need to rest a while, you need to lose that frown  
(Jackrum:) Here's the pay, now see to them, ladies  
(Shufti:) (whispering) Please don't leave me with these sinful Sadies  
(Jackrum:) Remember little lads, just grab every gown

(Grace:) You will be fine, I swear we'll be kind  
How would you like to begin?  
(Polly:) Perhaps if you two could pretend to be blind?  
(Prudence:) Oh but that would be a sin!  
Cause I know what you need boy  
(Shufti:) That's not fair, please not there, oh my god, wait a minute  
(Comfort:) I'll make it fair, boy  
(Polly:) But you four, what's it for, hooking up, what is in it?  
(Grace:) I can go and come when it's pleasing and husbands hardly give you one good shilling  
(Polly:) Well that's great, but we're late, so please let me undress her  
(Prudence:) That's my boy, I knew you would come 'round, soon we'll get to hear your big horn sound  
(Shufti:) Just you two, you get nude, then I'll loosen my trousers

(Jackrum:) (leading Mrs Smother away) Now we're partying  
That's what it's all about

*

_It's My Fault_

(Polly:) We were ready, we were positive  
We all decided to come here and give  
All we had just to get what we have lived  
For...

Didn't think that we'd end like this  
Didn't think, and that's just why we miss  
I'm not sorry that I gave the Duchess a kiss  
But I...

I wish I had got us through this  
Instead it's gone to hell  
Wish I had Paul safe  
And Shufti's boy as well  
Wish we could go  
But we're locked here in this cell  
And it's my fault, this is so

(Tonker:) I don't seem to know when to fight  
It's all the time or when the time's not right  
So I just got us captured good and tight  
And I...

I wish I could be of use here  
Find something to bash  
Wish I could take it all back  
Break this door in a flash  
Wish we could go  
Run away with a ton of cash  
But that's a no go  
It's my fault, I know

*

_Wish We Could Go_

(Wazzer:) I have heard my call  
Duchess be with me  
Duchess please take over me  
I know I'm growing small  
Melting into you  
Dying to be part of you  
You made me believe  
(Igorina:) She isn't breathing well at all  
(Igorina &amp; Wazzer:) Her/My heartbeat's dropping and will fall  
So we all know

(Igorina:) She will not last the night now, soon she'll be deceased  
(Wazzer:) She will not wait because she needs me now and I will not waver  
(Igorina:) She will not stand again, so we better find a priest  
(Wazzer:) I can entrust my life to you and so I will wait before we go (Igorina: Wish we could go)  
(Both:) Wish we could go  
Wish we could go  
Wish we could go  
Wish we could go

*

_We Built Up a Fire_

(Lofty:) I saw the fire eating wood  
I saw it opening our way  
Burst like a flower  
The flames the stone devoured  
But still we're locked away

(Igorina:) Soon through the curtain she will be  
She'll make her way across the shroud  
(Tonker:) We saved the day  
That's all that I can say  
I'll shout it out loud

(Polly:) So we did build up a fire  
Then what else could we do?  
We did build up a fire  
So maybe --

(Blouse:) These girls are soldiers through and through  
If only I had led them well  
Maybe then  
I could've saved my men  
For them I'd turn rebel

So they did build up a fire  
And let all prisoners out  
They have started this fire  
And saved us

(Polly:) Heroism, who would think it  
All comes down to choice of blanket  
Whether it was once blue or pink  
Breaking out is pointless now  
We're bound by our soldier's vow  
We can't fight our own, I don't think

(All:) We saw it through and won the fortress back too  
And we did build up a fire

(Tonker:) So this is how they reward us  
Shutting us in this damn pen (Shufti: Why think about)  
(Lofty:) The fire burned  
(Polly:) See how the world has turned (Shufti: A sad tomorrow)  
Upside down again

(Shufti:) I just wanted back my lover (Wazzer: Soon through the curtain she will come)  
(Polly:) I just came for my poor brother  
(Tonker:) We're here cause we had no other chance (Polly: Answer all my questions)  
(Igorina:) All I wanted was a good start  
(Shufti:) Does no-one out there have a heart  
(Polly:) I hear them sing and dance (Lofty: It only takes one spark)

(Shufti:) This is the muck, this way we know we're out of luck (Blouse: They are girls it's true)  
(All:) And yes we did start this fire  
(Polly:) We are why our side has won  
And yes we did start this fire  
And now we'll  
(All:) Burn  
Now we'll burn  
Now we'll burn  
Now we'll burn

(Clogston, entering:) Showtime!

*

_Little Lads_

(Jackrum, to the court:) Little lads, I have known you long  
And you have come along  
You grew up big and strong  
I knew you when you just started out  
Froc, old friend, don't doubt  
I'm afraid to act the lout

All of you, my boys  
Generals, your choice  
Cumabund, Derbi  
Now what will it be?  
I know you all

Can you condemn these girls?  
Do you dare in this harsh world  
To take on me  
To defy me

Am I lying, Janet?  
Tell the truth now, Mildred

Little lads, I know you all too well  
I know you lads can tell  
I could put you all through hell  
So my friends, this is my last stand  
I hope you understand  
I hold you in my hand

Fourteen miles, Mildred  
There's a lot you said  
Could say we bonded  
Look where you've landed  
Big man, big head

Now these girls deserve  
Honour for how they have served  
Or then the curve  
Will check your nerve

(Wazzer/Duchess:) They took my kiss  
Same as you all  
They answered my call  
Came to this  
And now I demand  
Turn out your hand  
Please understand  
Surrender  
I want you to surrender

Thus soldiers all I command you!  
You're soldiers all

(Froc:) I danced with you  
(Duchess:) One night in june  
When there wasn't a moon  
(Froc:) My Duchess  
(Duchess:) They did my will  
And so if you still  
Would treat them ill  
You're banished  
(Froc:) My doubt has vanished  
Duchess, I'll remember

(Clogston:) I guess the court rules in your favour.

*

_Bit of News (What You Need Reprise)_

(Vimes:) Now the deal is done, you girls have done real well  
But what you have begun, that we can't yet really tell  
Ankh-Morpork is happy as long as  
A noble prince is checked by just a wee lass  
That's a good one, that's the bit of news that sells

*

_The New Day's a Great Big Fish_

(Blouse:) Where do we go from here?  
Do I still have a career?  
(Clogston:) The battle's done, and we kinda won  
So we sound our victory cheer  
Where do we go for a beer?

(Mal:) I want to make this clear  
I'm a girl too, I fear  
(Polly:) That's good dear, but what's that I hear?  
I could have a bath at last  
Real soap? Please show me where and fast!

(Jade:) Where does my boyfriend lurk? (Troll: Right here!)  
(Shufti:) Where's my sixpence, you jerk?  
(Lofty:) Give me a map back to Munz and then  
I will burn the house of work  
(Blouse:) I'll never again be a clerk

Polly: Sarge.  
Jackrum: Well done, Perks. Want a bit of pork dripping? Delicious.  
Polly: That's okay.  
Jackrum: Soon as they work out the kinks there'll probably be a parade. White horses all the way to the capital, if we don't eat them first.  
Polly: Your locket...  
Jackrum: You've guessed, haven't you.

(Speed ahead to next spring...)

(Polly:) I'm a soldier through and through  
(Maladicta:) I'm back  
(Polly:) And I am glad to see you too  
(Maladicta:) Thought I'd try again  
(Polly:) We were a joke  
(Maladicta:) I couldn't wear a gown  
(Polly:) That I'll turn upside down

(Both:) The new day's a great big fish!


End file.
